Airport Antics

Yesterday was a struggle.

Airports bring out the worst in everyone. This is especially true for me. I’m proud of the fact that I resisted popping off at strangers, but I’m not very proud of some of the thoughts that went through my head.

For one, I’m profoundly impatient. I travel a lot so I've got the security routine down to a science.  When an amateur traveler slows me down they will usually get an eye roll or an earful. No, I’m not normally in a rush to get to my flight. I’m usually just rushing for a beer and to explore the bookstore while I’m half drunk and have lowered spending inhibitions. I never stop and think about how lucky I am to get to fly often.  I also don’t think about how easy it is for me because I’m healthy, mobile, and childless.

The other problem is that I’m a snobby eavesdropper. When you travel alone it’s easy to get wrapped up in conversations you overhear. I constantly find myself listening in, being incredibly judgmental, and wishing I had the power to revoke speaking privileges.

Add unruly children to the mix? I turn into Hate-lin.

Since I started this project I’ve been making an effort to try and steer my thoughts whenever they turn negative, but the second I stepped through the doors at the airport it all seemed to slip away. I tried my best to keep picturing the opening scene from Love Actually but it only made me sad that I was leaving my family.  I just wanted to get back to California and take my mind off missing them. I wanted to get the next eight hours over with as quickly as possible. 

I didn’t think it was going to be an issue so I didn’t come up with a game plan to get me through the day. Clearly I need one for next time.

Or, if this project does what I’m hoping it will do, maybe I won’t be such a jerk by the next time I fly.

Definitely trying. Definitely not perfect.

World Humanitarian Day

Today, August 19th, is World Humanitarian Day.

The Global Humanitarian Fund has set up a really great campaign where people can turn words, "our most powerful currency," into aid. Brands, organizations, and individuals have sponsored keywords that follow #theworldneedsmore  to raise money and awareness for humanitarian aid operations.

I'm super impressed with this idea. I don't mean to get all ad geeky, but this is communication strategy at its finest. Using brain power and social media for good. Love it. 

Visit this site. Get inspired. Tweet so hard.

http://worldhumanitarianday.org/en/

Reconnecting

As I mentioned in the intro, I've messed up a lot of relationships by running my mouth when I'm upset. One I regret the most is with my childhood friend Erika.

Erika and I were connected at the hip from the 6th grade until we were seniors. We had sleepovers almost every weekend, loved all the same music (let me see if I can find our Silverchair fanpage somewhere), and shared the same dark sense of humor. After witnessing our antics at a pep rally (fuck yeah I'm from the suburbs) a teacher compared us to Statler and Waldorf from the muppets - in the background heckling everyone and making each other laugh.

While we were deeply loyal friends we brought out the worst in each other.  We were assholes. We thought we were hilarious, but we were assholes. When you're 15 years old it's much easier to be mean when you have someone to egg you on. It got to the point where we were like a secret club of two. If you weren't in it, no matter where you fell on the high school social food chain, we were making fun of you. We would slam the "popular kids" for not being as smart as us, liking our music, and for wearing "preppy" clothes. We would slam the not so popular kids for pretty much the same reasons, but substitute "preppy" for "trashy" and remove some of the jealousy.

Erika and I stayed in touch through college and the years after. When her parents got sick at the same time, I was there. When I moved out to San Francisco and got homesick, she visited. We still brought out meanness in each other, but as we got older we began to resent it. I thought I had become a nicer person, but she still thought I was a spoiled brat with a bad temper. She thought she had grown way past our snark, but I still thought she was vindictive and two-faced. The truth was that we both had grown up a lot, but seeing each other made us regress because a little bit of that old mean girl still lived under the surface.

We had always talked on the phone a several times a week, but about three years ago that changed. I landed my dream job at an advertising agency and began working extremely long hours. She met the love of her life and began juggling romance, school, and her career. With the three hour time difference we couldn't make time for each other, and I, of course, blamed the new person in her life. Although we had both been in relationships before it was different this time. I felt like I was being replaced.

Two years ago I got a text from Erika that she was engaged. This was not how I had envisioned it happening. We hadn't spoken in over a year but I still expected a phone call. After congratulating her I couldn't resist the temptation to call her out on the fact that she had been "ignoring" me. Why was I supposed to care about someone that no longer cared about me? The truth was that I cared a lot but I couldn't admit it to her. Instead it escalated, and we both accused each other of being horrible people. The fight ended with us deciding to never speak again. (Have I mentioned that another very attractive aspect of my personality is a raging sense of entitlement? Who wants to marry me, boys?)

And so I missed the wedding of one of my oldest friends. And then I missed the birth of her first child.

I've spent the last two years regretting what I said, but not having the guts to apologize. We had been so rotten to each other and part of me was just scared to bring it up again and reopen the wounds.

On Thursday I decided it was time to suck it up. In order to become a better person I need to take care of some real basic stuff first. Being a better friend is at the top of that list.

I sent Erika a text message asking her if she wanted to meet up since I'm visiting the East Coast this week. I was so nervous that I hid the phone in a drawer in another room so I wouldn't be tempted to check for a response every ten minutes. After the hour of phone hiding (this is the appropriate time to wait, according to Caitlin's Rules of Compulsive Crazies) I saw a message inviting me to see her new house.

I was petrified on the drive over the next morning. Growing up in stereotypical Irish Catholic families, neither one of us is particularly open about our feelings. We immediately fell into step though. Nothing about our fight was discussed, but I'm not sure it needed to be. I met her beautiful 7-month-old daughter Thea, her hilarious 10-year-old stepson Taylor, and their dog Otis. We laughed. We gossiped. We looked at wedding pictures. She scared me out of ever giving birth.  It was amazing. My heart broke a little thinking about the fact that I had let myself miss out on this for the past two years.

After I left I got to thinking about all of the things I had done wrong. Not so much what I said, but the fact that I said horrible things without thinking. If only I had taken two minutes to be compassionate. Two minutes to think about the fact that she wasn't calling me because she was dating a single dad and putting herself through college while working full time. Two minutes to think about the fact that throwing a tantrum is not going to make a person love you any more. Two minutes to calm down. I can't take back what I did, but I'm so grateful that she is giving me a second chance. I'm hoping that we can get to know each other as the people we're trying to be and not the girls we were at 15.

Someone needs to design me an awesome two minute reminder tat or something. Kidding. Kidding. Or am I?

A Role Model for Kindness

I thought it was only right to dedicate the first real post to the person who inspires me to be a kinder person every day.

Logan Hollers is my best friend. He's the Jack Donaghy to my Liz Lemon. My accomplice. My drinking buddy. My wingman. Co-discoverer of awesome music. Giver and receiver of many high-fives. The person who surprises me with weird pop culture references. The first person I call when I'm happy, sad, or just have an awesome joke that can't wait for an appropriate moment. He puts up with my bullshit. He always has my back. I'm lucky to have many amazing friends, but he's family. 

I've never known a person who is so good to the core. When we first met I didn't think he was for real. He would chat with everyone who crossed our path and seemed to always find a little change in his pocket for anyone who asked. If you've ever been to the Tenderloin in San Francisco, you'll understand that this can be a pretty substantial amount of money. Being the skeptic that I am, I assumed he was just another smooth talker trying to impress a girl. As I got to know him better I realized that he cares so deeply about all people - from strangers to his crew of friends who are reminiscent of the cast of Cheers. If you hurt, Logan hurts. If you're happy, Logan is happy. He has a gift for reaching people on another level.

Logan is also brilliant. He could have any career he wants and be filthy rich, but he chooses instead to use that talent to make the world a better place. He's an environmental lawyer and although he has a had a bit of trouble on the job front lately, he doesn't let it stop him from doing everything he can for the causes he's passionate about. He does writing and research, educates his peers, and volunteers wherever he can. I love my job, and am so lucky to go to work happy every day, but I often wonder what things would be like if more people were like Logan and used their talents for good instead of squandering them for money.

What inspires me most about Logan is that he has the courage to call people out when they're not being nice. While many would sound self-righteous, he does it with grace and humor. I can't even count the number of occasions where I've made some bitchy quip about someone, and he has chuckled and then pointed out three positive things about them. Just the other day we were walking through New York City and I was pointing out outfits that I liked. After a solid three hours of listening to me ramble about fashion, he told me to stop talking to him about it and to start telling these girls that I liked their style. I did.  I was shy and awkward about it, but I did it. Logan just knows how to point out the best, and bring out the best, in people.

I could go on for days about the awesomeness of this guy, but I think you get the point. He sets the bar for kindness pretty high. 

Intro

I hurt a friend. A person I would do anything to protect was ripped apart by my vicious words.

What I said was awful and they may never forgive me. I know I’ll never forgive myself.  I lost my temper over something stupid and I have the tendency to go right for the jugular when I’m really upset. Why do I do that? No idea. I have this mean streak that will completely take over sometimes. I’ve ruined relationships and have gotten myself into trouble more times than I care to reflect on because I don’t take two minutes to think about the impact of my words.

Most people would tell you that I’m not an everyday asshole. On one end they’ll tell you I’m polite and generous, and on the other end they’ll tell you I’m “spirited” or “sassy.” A typical Aries, if you believe that sort of thing. The problem is that my instinct is to rip someone apart the second they threaten or offend me. I’m like a grown-up Regina George the second conflict arises.

This needs to change. Not just because I hurt someone I love, but because one little action can make or break a person.  

I hate to drop anything that would be used on an e-card, but the quote “be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle,” really hits me. I want kindness and compassion to be my default rather than snideness. I want to understand a person's battle rather than attacking them. I want to love openly and not hide behind a mask of nasty humor. 

This is why I’m starting The Kind Instinct.

Each day I'm going to seek out opportunities for kindness. It's pathetic, but this is something that I need to learn. It's not that I don't genuinely care about people, but my instinct should not be to belittle someone when I'm angry. The little sarcastic comments and the judgmental glares all add up. I need to surround myself with so much love and compassion that kindness becomes my instinct.